Growing Up and Losing Friends Graciously
As I’ve hit the ripe old age of 27, right on the cusp of my late 20s, the ‘big’ occasions and milestones have started to role in. As I scroll through any and all social media, I can guarantee that every other post is some sort of life event. Engagements, weddings, first homes, babies and all manners of other scary grown up things are taking over my feeds from people who were once my friends and my reaction is usually the same — WHY WASN’T I TOLD/INVITED?!
As someone with an anxious mind, it’s hard not to read into these things too much. You ask yourself the same questions, ‘why did we lose touch? Should I have tried harder, or done more? Am I not as popular or as likable as I thought? The list goes on. But at the end of the day, sometimes these relationships aren’t supposed to last forever and that’s OK.
It can be hard to rationalise, but from my recent experience (and fresh emotional wounds), here’s how I have learnt to cope with losing friends with grace and decorum.
It’s not you, it’s me…
Let’s be honest, a lot of the time when someone falls out of our lives, it’s usually our own fault. In a world where we have never been so connected, it’s easier than ever to lose touch. It’s as if seeing everything everyone is doing all of the time has given us less of a reason to try and stay in touch. Why do I need to message and ask how things are when I can already see? It’s easy to find an excuse when in actuality it’s just a lack of effort or trying.
The connected world doesn’t just affect our effort though, but our communication too. Who can say that they have never ignored a call because they couldn’t be arsed to talk, or accidently (or puposefully) not replied to a message, leaving someone on those dreaded blue ticks. When you fail to communicate properly with someone, is it surprising that they fail to communicate back?
It doesn’t always have to be negative though. You might have a new job, or made some new friends, or found your true love on Tinder, or maybe even started an intensive cross-stitching course 5 nights a week. Life can just get in the way sometimes and you’d rather focus on new or other relationships that have become more important to you. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Well actually it is you… but that’s OK too!
Before you start feeling guilty and blaming all of the lack of wedding invites or best man/godfather requests on yourself, it’s important to realise that it isn’t always on you and that the other person has an important role to play too.
As much as we like to not think it, people change. This can be from a myriad of different factors: personally, emotionally and even geographically. Any mutual interests or similarities you had with that person can vanish, so you no longer align in that way. As these gaps between you widen, of course you’re going to grow apart.
There isn’t much point to trying to continue a relationship with someone when there isn’t anything to latch on to anymore, or when there are more negatives than positives to it (just ask any ex you have ever had).
Time to say goodbye…
It can be hard to admit, but some relationships aren’t meant to last forever and you need to know when to call it quits for the sake of yourself. Don’t get me wrong, some relationships are meant to (ask my best friend who I met when I was 9, he can’t get rid of me and trust me, he’s tried), but these are few and far between. The poem A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime eloquently explains that. It breaks down your relationships in to these three categories and why they are equally necessary and important in your life. Some friendships have an expiry date on them and that is OK.
An example of this comes from when we were kids and the friends we made on holiday. After 2 weeks in sunny Mallorca, while Mum and Dad were swigging a couple of cervezas, the person you met at the top of the water slide became your no.1, your ride or die, your brother in arms. Did you ever see that person again once your feet hit (presumably waterlogged) English soil? Of course you didn’t!
But again, that’s OK. You appreciate them for the time they were around rather than mourn the time they aren’t. I could name a tonne of people from university or jobs that made my experiences better and who I appreciate wholehearted for that. Rather than be depressed that I rarely speak to them anymore, I reminisce about the time we had however brief in might have been in the grand scheme of things.
How to keep the spark alive.
I hope that this read isn’t all doom and gloom and instead helps ease your mind as to the friendships you might have lost. For any that you are scared of losing or that are on the brink however, there are always ways to help salvage them and get back on track.
Probably the most important thing to do is to not take a friendship for granted. You need to appreciate them and, more than that, SHOW that you appreciate them. Let people know that you care so they understand how important they are to you.
When things aren’t going so great, let the person know something is wrong. Don’t just sit on a problem because the likelihood is it will never solve itself. Try and talk it out and find a resolution. If they don’t want to do that, then the friendship likely isn’t worth keeping.
If you want to keep a friendship alive, never let it get to the point of no return. Think of it like a plant, you need to water and look after it to keep it growing. Otherwise, once you finally notice it’s not in a good way it might be too late. I should know, in 2019 I wasn’t invited to 3 weddings and I killed 4 houseplants.
