5 Steps to Help You Take Back Control (When in Your Mind You’re Losing It)

Staying positive as the world seemingly falls down around you.

Your boss/partner/doctor/anyone with news that may have life-altering or even minor ramifications: Unfortunately it’s not good news…

Me (internal): Right… Ok… Shit. That’s a big deal. That’s a HUGE deal. but you can deal with it. Right? You think you can deal with it at least. Everything else in your life is going fine, and it can’t all be perfect all of the time, so you’ll cope. But what if something else goes wrong? What if the rest of your life does start to fall apart? Let’s face it, the world isn’t exactly a happy, stable place and if this news proves anything it’s that you aren’t exactly the best at knowing when something is wrong. Wait, is everything else going ok? Is anything actually going right for you anymore, or have you just been telling yourself that? Right… Ok… Shit. I don’t think I can deal with this.

The world is and can be a scary, tumultuous place. The last few years have been proof of that. A pandemic, a war, a cost of living crisis and food and fuel shortages clogging up our newsfeeds with enough content to doomscroll for eternity. With the way we now interact with the world - all information available all of the time right at our fingertips - it’s no wonder we’ve become hyper conscious to what is going wrong around us.

What can really throw us off our axis though is when we get hit directly or personally with something that can flip elements of our lives upside down. Losing your job, a break-up, a serious diagnosis, losing a friend or family member and so on. These are obviously on the more serious side of things, but even something smaller like an argument, missing a chance to see your friends or twisting your ankle can hit you hard.

It all comes down to how easy it is to feel like you have no control in your life and are left to react to the chaos that is happening around you. Anxiety puts your body in a constant state of flight or fight, ready to react to what your mind thinks may happen (however irrational this might be). So, if you’re an anxiously minded individual, having control is what keeps you grounded and in charge. The feeling of losing it (which happens more often than not) loosens the already fragile grip you have and can cause you to spiral even further.

Having recently lost my job unexpectedly, this feeling is FRESH for me. A state of panic being a fairly regular occurrence in my life however means that I’ve learnt a few tricks about how to get through to the other side, back to a healthy(ish) balance. And as the methodical, overthinker I am, I have turned this into an easy to follow 5 step plan.

Before we get into it, as i have done before, I need to preface that I am in no way an expert on mental health or wellbeing and this is how I have learnt to best deal with it personally. Is it 100% effective? Of course not. Will it work for you or just be a waste of time? I have no idea, but I hope that it does at least give you some sort of insight or starting point that might help get you out of a funk in the future.

STEP 1 — PANIC

Avoiding a state of panic by… panicking. This may sound counterproductive, but in my experience, you need to give yourself time to panic and fret and worry. In any and every situation, however big or small, your feelings are valid and you should make sure to fully feel and process them rather than push them down. To ignore how you feel doesn’t make it go away, it just offsets it, giving it the chance to come back another time or in another form. Trust me, ignoring a feeling for it to come back and bite you right before bed or in the middle of trying to relax watching a film will not only make you feel shit, but it will also definitely ruin the movie too.

There is real science behind this that people much smarter than I have studied. This article on ‘Deliberate Worry’ explains it rather nicely, and for anyone who has partaken in CBT will know, ‘Worry Time’ is a tried and tested exercise. Essentially, you let your mind get on the rollercoaster of panic and ride all of the highs, lows, loops and drops so that when you’re ready to get off, you’ve gone through all of those negative feelings and now have the chance to refocus and move forward.

This can also help you realise that things maybe aren’t as bad as you first thought. The fear is not equal to the situation or the catastrophic outcome you initially envisioned is most likely never going to happen.

Be careful not to indulge too much though. The deeper you go the harder it can be to get out.

STEP 2 — STEP BACK

Once you’ve given yourself enough time to panic, it’s worth taking a step back to fully evaluate the situation. As any anxious thinker will know, you can rattle through every potential scenario but by doing so, forget the root of the issue itself. You might have just torn a ligament playing sport and yes, becoming a competitive eater might be a good way to feel the rush of competition again, but maybe let’s focus on the surgery and recovery first before we make any drastic decisions…

It’s good to give yourself a bit of space to step back and breathe. Anxiety can be suffocating and make you feel trapped in your own little worry bubble. Taking a step back helps to give you that little bit of room to compose yourself and take your brain out of the situation for a while. It’s the same as taking yourself out of a hostile situation like an argument or a fight, but just metaphorically doing it in your own head.

This can help open up your lens and give you a wider view of what is going on and a chance to see all of the options you have to move ahead when you’re ready to.

STEP 3 — RATIONALISE

When you’ve got a better vantage point, it’s time to try and rationalise the situation and your feelings, determining what can and can’t be done about it. Some things are of course beyond your control, but it’s not about fixing the world, but rather finding ways to live within it in a way that is comfortable for you.

Sometimes it may feel like life as you know it is over, and that may be the case, but that doesn’t mean your whole life, just as it currently is. The ‘as you know it’ is the key thing to remember here. Yes things may not be the same, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Through struggle can come success.

I recently read a great example of this in ‘Go Luck Yourself’ by Andy Nairn (which I highly recommend for all of you marketing and advertisers out there). To cut a long story short, Walt Disney (you know… the man himself) was on a train from New York to Los Angeles in 1928, having just lost control of his most famous asset — Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. Despondent and facing what for many would be certain ruin, rather than let his misfortunate spiral out of control, by the time Walt had gotten off the train at Los Angeles he had the idea for a new character — Mickey Mouse. I don’t think I need to explain how well that turned out (Disney even got the rights for Oswald back in 2006). Now I’m not saying we all need to have our next success ready to go after one train journey (although the journey back then would have likely taken over 3 days…), but without Walt being able to rationalise what had happened and find a way through it, we might have all have had less cartoons to watch and musicals to see.

This can be easier said than done, but hopefully after giving yourself the time to panic and and the space to see what is going on as a whole, you can take stock of what’s happening and work out what comes next without too much noise around you.

STEP 4 — INDIRECT ACTION

Now you’ve rationalised and things are becoming less blurry, it’s time for some action. To get rid of more of that mental fog and make things that little bit clearer, it’s worth building up some accomplishment stores by getting your house in order.

Like a tower of cards, once one piece begins to fall, it is easy for it to take everything else with it. Panic can really shine a light on all other aspects of your life as control slowly creeps away. It’s important that you keep hold of those things that you are still able to and feel some level of achievement as you build yourself back up.

So take the time to think about these indirect aspects and take charge of them however feels best for you. It could be as basic as drinking enough water, getting fresh air or reading 10 pages of a book each day. Whatever it is that makes you feel more in control of your life as a whole. Ideally these will have a positive leaning, but you know, don’t let me tell you what positive is to you.

These little actions might not answer the bigger issues or fears you’re having, but it can help to ensure your feelings don’t snowball, and give you the space and confidence to focus on what comes next.

STEP 5 — PLAN A STEP AT A TIME

You’re ready. It’s time to take on the big problem. The main issue at hand that started this whole panicking business in the first place. But where to start? The hardest thing to do when you’ve seemingly been moving backwards is going forwards again.

When something major happens, there likely isn’t an easy fix that can be done with the click of your fingers. It can take time and thought to work out what your next move needs to be. If the task feels too big, 9/10 times you won’t start it. ‘Get a new job’ might be the end goal, but it’s not exactly that simple. Setting yourself one big task is more likely to lead to a lot more anxiety and disappointment, because it is going to take time and you’ll need momentum to keep you pushing ahead.

This is where breaking it down into a plan comes in, turning the big thing into lots of smaller achievable steps that you can tackle bit by bit. This isn’t rocket science I know. Yes this is how most people likely do anything in their lives and why IKEA is so bloody successful, but it bears repeating —

One BIG task = hard
Many little tasks = just as hard, but easier to accomplish.

It’s like the classic trick question of which is heavier, a tonne of bricks or a tonne of feathers? Obviously they are the same, but if you were asked to pick them up one at a time, the feathers are going to be a lot better for your back.

You could break things down in to 5 or 500 steps. Some may be harder than others. Some may change and some may get added later on. But, you need to use each one to build up the confidence to tackle the next and keep that train moving.

BONUS STEP — ACKNOWLEDGE

Not exactly a step, but this is more of a reminder throughout all of the above for you to acknowledge what has happened and be assured that it is shit and whatever stage you are at and whatever you are doing to get through it is enough. You are more than enough.

It’s very easy to feel like you are failing in situations like this, particularly if it is completely out of your control or you are having to rely on other people to move forward. What might be a minor thing to someone else might be major for you and you shouldn’t take this out on yourself. Life as a whole is pretty much a bunch of things happening and you doing your best to deal with it, so wherever you are at, good job for getting there in the first place.

You might follow all of these steps or only a few, in order or out and multiple times over. What matters most is finding out what works best for you and getting through to the other side feeling better and ready for what life is about to throw at you next.